Tuesday, March 20, 2012

I Need to Vent

OK. I confess. I like attention. And who doesn't? Everyone likes a certain amount of attention. I do not like too much attention; that is just annoying, burdensome and intrusive. What I mean by "I like attention" is that I like to do things that I love to do, for people who care enough to pay attention to me, and I like to do them well enough that it pleases me and everyone around me. Is that so much to ask? That is what I want to do. But it just so happens that I like to sing, dance, play the piano, the violin, make people laugh and just in general, entertain people. So, according to some people’s line of thought, therefore I am shallow and I only want to be seen and to be famous and I am the scum of the earth. At least that is what I feel like it means to like to do what I want to do. Which is very frustrating!!! I mean, because of my hobbies I have thought about trying out for American Idol. Is that a sin? Because of my hobbies, I have wanted to be an actress. Is that a sin? Because of my hobbies, I have wanted to be in films and sign with a talent agency. IS THAT A SIN?? For Pete’s sake. Really. I feel like I live in world where if I told my friends that I tried out for American Idol then everyone would instantly think, "Oh, she is one of THOSE people. Yeah, she must think she is really great. Goodness, she just dropped down a couple of levels on my scale of sophistication. I am going to judge her right now as look her straight in the face and tell her how excited I am for her." I mean, come on. We all know that we all have thought it at some time or another, or at least have thought that someone else was thinking it. I just hate this world we live in sometimes. Isn't there any such thing as an innocent desire anymore? Why do we all have to be so judgmental and critical? It makes me feel like I cannot be myself. Which is one of the worst feelings in the world. Trust me. I feel it. All. The. Time.
Please forgive my bashing. I just really needed to vent somewhere.

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7 comments:

  1. Bridgette NicoleMarch 20, 2012 at 4:09 PM

    I had to respond to this, I know I don't know you super well, but I do think you are so talented! I think we both have had very similar desires. Sometimes I get embarrassed that I like to "show off" but you know what? I have excepted it and hope others can do so too. If American Idol is your desire, just go for it. Your amazing. There wouldn't be such amazing entertainment in this world without those go getters. :)

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    1. Scott & Abbylynn PayneMarch 20, 2012 at 5:05 PM

      ya know, that is true. It is not like it is my BIG DREAM! But I have just always wanted to do it, at least for fun. :) Just to see what happens. But thanks for responding! I appreaciate it. :)

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  2. DejaMarch 20, 2012 at 4:45 PM

    There is nothing wrong with wanting to be good at things you love to do. My sister-in-law likes to sing and is trying out for "The Voice". Is that wrong? nope. You have the talent and the time then do what you love and do it well. It is in developing our talents that we can better help others. I too have felt like I can't be myself around others and it is very depressing and makes it hard to feel good about yourself. You are very talented Abby. I love that you are so confident in yourself and your abilities. That is something I continually am working on because I don't have the confidence I wish I had. People are judgmental and critical. I personally think that some of the most judgmental people are people living in the LDS culture. When I do feel like people are judging me and it is hard to be myself, I remember that I am surrounded by friends and family that know me and love me for who I am. Once again Abby you have many people who know you and love you and are cheering you on in all you do.

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    1. Scott & Abbylynn PayneMarch 20, 2012 at 5:08 PM

      OH gosh Deja! Thanks so much!! I really appreciate your support. Hope all is going well with you. Love you!

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  3. AshleyMarch 20, 2012 at 5:53 PM

    Amen! The thing that struck me besides the fact that you sadly live in a community of competitive and sometimes judgemental, perfection seeking Mormons, is don't let anyone make you feel like you can't be yourself. That happened really recently to Andrew. He was trying to tone down his awesomeness because of others and I would not let him think that way. It would make me so sad if you toned down yours. Sometimes people aren't as cool as you are Abby and you gotta keep dancing to your own tune and make yourself happy. I love that about you so keep up the good work!

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  4. Bethani March 20, 2012 at 10:08 PM

    Abby- You are an artist. There's going to be people who bash because, well they want to be talented!! You are not alone feeling like this, I feel it too. Do what you want! I love how talented you are, you wouldn't be Abby without every single one. Hope you are doing well, I haven't talked to you in forever!! I think about you though and how you are doing. You are a dear friend. Love you!

    ~Bethani

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  5. Scott & Abbylynn PayneMarch 21, 2012 at 9:15 AM

    Oh Bethani!! I miss you too! I think about you all the time as well! Especially since you are a MOM now! So proud! I wish I could see your baby, so I could hold her and squeeze her and kiss her all over! :) Thanks for being supportive. Its just hard sometimes cuz I am in Math Ed. right now and I haven't really been involved in violin for like forever it feels like. All I do is homework and it feels like music has left my life kind of. I just wish I could find ways to keep up with things without it taking over my life. Ya know. :) Anyways. Say hi to everyone for me. Miss you all. :)

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